How to help someone grieving a stillbirth, and Potty Training

To break up the stream of sad posts, I thought I’d make a list of nice things that people have done for us in the hours, days and weeks since Jane’s death. By putting it here, I plan to refer back to this if, heaven forbid, someone I care about has a similar (or even not-so-similar) loss and I am looking for ways to contribute.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list of amazing things people did for us:

Acquaintances, work colleagues, extended family, and friends:

  • Sent an email, Facebook message or text (or several, to check in from time to time)
  • Prayed for our family
  • Sent a card or flowers (to our house or to the funeral/interment)
  • Referred to Jane by name  ❤
  • Contributed to Jane’s memorial fund
  • Attended the funeral, viewing, and/or interment
  • Asked to see photos of Jane… and told us how beautiful she was
  • Took us out for a drink or meal
  • Sent a meal or treats (in a disposable container)

Close friends and relatives:

  • Came to the hospital and held Jane
  • Took (so many!) photos of Jane, and of us holding her
  • Visited us at home
  • Helped care for C. Samuel, and our dogs
  • Served as a point of contact (to notify others of what happened, funeral information, etc.)
  • Set up a meal train (on takethemameal.com)
  • Set up a fundraising page for a memorial (on caring.com) Actually, C did this, but I would definitely offer to help someone with it in the future. Gofundme.com also works well. We chose caring.com because they charge lower fees, so more of the money goes to the intended purpose.
  • Maintained a list of flowers, meals, gifts, and memorial donations as they came in; bought thank you cards and stamps; wrote and mailed thank you cards for early flowers and gifts; and addressed and stamped the rest, so all I had to do was write the message and sign
  • Went to Target and Buy Buy Baby (fighting with staff as needed) to return unused baby items
  • Offered to go with us to the funeral home and/or cemetery to make arrangements
  • Hosted out-of-town funeral guests in their guest room or whole house (friends who were out of town)
  • Helped with the funeral and reception (letting people know about it, getting a guest book, designing/printing the program, making seed packets for the guests, coordinating caterers, getting booze, set up/clean up)

 

We also got some lovely gifts that I would suggest to anyone looking for gift ideas:

  • Jewelry memorializing Jane

Tiffany silver initial necklace with ‘C’ and ‘J’ pendants (left), rose gold ‘J’ initial necklace with crystal pendant (top right), and handmade ruby birthstone pinky ring necklace (bottom right)

Silver locket with photo of Jane

  • A potted flowering tree (in this case, plumeria)

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  • A planter box, preplanted with flowers (in this case, perennial wildflowers that were the takeaway from Jane’s funeral; forget-me-nots are another nice option)

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  • Something for the older children (C. Samuel got some sweet toys!)
  • An engraved watch band for dad (from etsy.com)

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  • A pencil drawing (mentioned in my last post)
  • A blank journal
  • A prayer shawl (crocheted while praying for/thinking about the person and their loss, but anything comforting could be nice – like a special blanket or stuffed animal)

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Winston also loves our prayer shawl from Cre8tive Lane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, we started potty training last weekend.

C. Samuel had been fighting more and more during diaper changes and I was fed up. On Friday, he flat-out refused to let me put a clean diaper on him after removing his overnight diaper, and then announced that he had to poop. I asked if he wanted to go on the potty and he said yes, so I sat him down and proceeded to read a couple of books to him. Sure enough, when he got up, he had pooped and peed in the potty. That sealed the deal for me. Holiday weekend it is!

We are on Day 4 of potty training according to the method prescribed in Oh Crap! Potty Training, and he is doing pretty well, I think. Plenty of accidents (as C put it, “it’s literally a shit show!”), and I have to watch him like a hawk and try to walk the fine line between ‘suggesting’ that he might want to use the potty, versus ‘nagging’ him to do so (which guarantees his refusal!) But in the first three days he only had three complete misses, a number of partial misses, and lots of complete pees and poops in the potty! Just now he came to me, unprompted, and asked for help getting his pants down to poop in the potty. Yippee! Hope he keeps it up at daycare tomorrow…

In trying to potty train C. Samuel, I realize that our dog Lilly gave us a special parting gift in the last couple of months before we had to say goodbye. Namely, she got us used to dealing with pee and poop on the floor. Thanks to Lilly, we already have good reason to get our carpets cleaned (taking the pressure off C. Samuel), and we waited to replace our 10-year-old couch. (The replacement is on backorder until late October, which while originally irritating, we now see as a giant blessing.) Lilly even got us started on our list of potty training must-haves:

  1. Appropriate gear for cleaning up inevitable accidents. In our case, this includes a Hoover FloorMate for the tile floors; a Bissell SpotClean Pro for carpet and sofa; Latex gloves, Clorox Disinfecting Wipes and Lysol Disinfectant Spray (for cleaning up poop accidents).
  2. Piddle pads to protect sofa, carseats and stroller. (Right now we’re using the disposable drugstore kind we bought for Lilly; I also plan to try the fancier Summer Infant ones…)
  3. Elastic waist pants, one size too big, to make them easy to pull up and down. (Still kind of tricky for C. Samuel to get right, but the timeline from realization to urination is too short to be fooling with buttons, even if I’m helping!) We have seven of these, and managed to use every single one yesterday (our first day wearing pants).
  4. A standalone potty chair that can travel from room to room. (See #3 regarding the timeline we are dealing with here. Also, the portable potty chair makes it possible to continue watching Cars or Daniel Tiger through the whole process (see photo below). Without that option, I’d set the odds of C. Samuel independently choosing to walk away from his show to go potty about a million to one.)
  5. A support group of friends who have been through it recently or are going through it. This is the cheering squad for times like yesterday, when kiddo (a) realized he needed to go poo, (b) walked over to the potty and (c) sat down on it before pooping! Wahoo!!! (These amazing friends continued to cheer, even when I added the minor detail that he forgot to pull his pants down first…)
  6. Wine. Lots of wine.

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C. Samuel is a master multitasker. (Also notice the elastic waist pants)

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No need to stop watching Cars to do his business. (That poor sofa has seen better days… And thank God for tile floors!)

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6 Comments

  1. Wow you have so many beautiful memories and keepsakes of Baby Jane. How wonderful of your friends and family to honor her memory. Your doggie is so cute wrapped up in the prayer shawl.

    Good luck with potty training…your son is super cute!

    Reply
  2. Jane Allen

     /  September 7, 2016

    This was a really great post. thanks for sharing all your tips

    Reply
    • Thank you for still reading Jane. ❤ I'm afraid I've lost most of my other IF bloggy friends. (Although I can't blame them!)

      Reply
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