Message to my fertile friends

Not too much has been happening here. We finally finished up the 10-week summer research session, and I am officially “off” for the rest of the summer. (By “off,” I mean I get to sit on my couch in my PJs working on my promotion portfolio and prepping for fall classes…) It’s nice.

As many of you know, our current plan, in the wake of failed IVF#1, is to spend three months trying to improve egg quality through supplements, while also doing natural cycle IUIs. I’ve been using my CBFM, and was supposed to call the office to schedule insemination as soon as the monitor indicated impending ovulation (by displaying a little egg). We also made a just-in-case appointment for cycle day 16, in the event that the egg never appeared in the monitor window.

Today was cycle day 16, so I went in for that just-in-case appointment. The dildo cam showed no lead follicle: either this is an anovulatory cycle, or we missed ovulation. (Once again, I find myself regretting getting lazy on the BBT charting; if I had kept up, I’d know for sure which it is.) But I’m actually not that disappointed. There’s a very slim chance that we could get pregnant this month, but if not, I’m fine trying again next month.

I’ve also been dutifully taking my long list of supplements. While I have definitely NOT been “living like a monk,” I have been trying to eat well whenever possible. I’ve cut back on coffee, Diet Coke and alcohol – to 2-3 servings of each per week…instead of 1-2 servings per day. (Shoot! Does that make me sound like a lush? I just like my nightly glass of wine!) Thanks to my sister’s persistence, I’ve also started running again. We’ve gone three times in the last week; it’s only been 2.5 to 3 miles each time, but a huge improvement over the absolutely nothing that I’ve been doing for the last year and a half…

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But the real reason for this post is that I got an email this week that was equal parts delightful and heartbreaking, and made me want to think carefully about how my words are received.

I hope A will forgive me for sharing parts of her email here:

Hi K,

I’ve been following your blog and seeing that things are not going as you might have wanted.  I’m sorry.  I also realize you sometimes feel ‘ill-will’ according to one of your previous posts about people who have some success.  Knowing that — I still need to tell you …

that we are 18 weeks pregnant and close to going ‘facebook public.’  I didn’t want you to find out on facebook. What you’re going through is emotionally and physically draining, but as you well know — I don’t really know… I don’t understand — regardless of how much I think I might or try.  It’s very personal and I’m really happy for you that you’ve found a support network of women through your blog who do understand.  It’s also wonderful to read about how your relationship with ‘C’ has strengthened and deepened through this difficult time.

…Anyway, I’m emailing you because I didn’t want you to be surprised on facebook and wanted to tell you that you do not need to respond.

I look forward to seeing you again (someday) and I am always thinking happy, reproductive, follicular, warm fuzzy thoughts in your direction.  🙂

Your friend,

A

This message was delightful, because I’m so happy for my friend, who had been trying for awhile for a second child, and suffered a sad loss shortly before ours. I was also deeply touched that she had given so much thought and time to writing such a compassionate message.

It was heartbreaking that such an amazing friend could possibly think I might feel the slightest bit of ill-will towards her or her baby.

So this message is intended for my fertile friends. (The sentiment is equally true for my ‘lucky’ infertile bloggy friends who are now expecting.)

When I shared my blog with you, I made a choice to let you in on my most personal, raw, and unfiltered thoughts. I didn’t do this by accident. It was a sign of just how much I love and trust you.

So, please believe me when I say that I do not, will not bear you or your children any ill-will.

  • If you decide to outdo the Duggars and have 30 kids,
  • If, in your genuine attempts to comfort me you say all the wrong things,
  • If you go on to have an absolutely perfect life full of glitter and unicorn farts with your gorgeous brood of children,*

I will NOT bear you any ill will.

Believe me. It’s the truth. (And if you know me well enough for me to have shared this blog with you, then you know that I’m a terrible liar!)

Now, you may wonder, to whom do I direct all my anti-fertility ill will? Most fall into one of the following groups:

  1. Anonymous pregnant women that I see everywhere. Yes, I know. It’s totally unfair. I have no idea what they’ve been through, or the kind of parents they’ll be. I’m sure if I meet them in the future, I’ll be happy for them then. But for now, I hate them.
  2. People I never liked in the first place. If they never bothered to make time for me or show the slightest interest in developing a friendship before they were pregnant, then I feel no obligation to wish them well in their baby-making efforts now.
  3. Bad parents. These include stupid and/or oversharing parents (STFU, Parents has all the examples you never wanted to know), neglectful-to-abusive parents (Tan Mom gets to be fertile? Seriously?), and truly evil ones (The rumor that World’s Worst Mom Casey Anthony is pregnant again may have been a hoax, but that doesn’t change the fact that she never deserved to be a mom in the first place!)

As you can see, there is no shortage of targets for my infertility bitterness and ill-will.

You, dear reader, are not one of them!

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* References to glitter and unicorn farts are shamelessly stolen from the amazing Jenny at Stupid Stork.

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